Otorimonogatari Page 20

  It does seem like the textbook way to deal with a gloomy, mild-mannered student who’s snapped…but.

  When i think back, it feels like he’s always been treating Nadeko in this way.

  Like he’s handling something delicate. Like he’s cleaning up broken glass.

  With distant words─that don’t approach her past a certain radius.

  Whatever he tells her─is so far away.

  They don’t resonate or reach Nadeko’s heart.

  “Your teacher just believed that you’re responsible, and─”

  “Me, responsible?! Just how awful of a judge of character are you?! Can’t you at least figure out how bad of a person Nadeko Sengoku is?! C’mon, stop letting looks deceive you! That’s right, all I am is cute!”

  What the hell are you doing believing in me?! screams Nadeko.

  Rejecting herself─wholesale.

  “…S-Sengoku.”

  “Oh, fine, I get it─you won’t understand no matter what I say, not any of you! It’s a done deal, I can do all this screaming, I can bare my damn soul and all you’re going to think is that ‘she acted a little crazy for a spell’─give me a break! Listen here, I went crazy a long-ass time ago!”

  Hmmmm?!

  Nadeko coats her words with as much venom as possible─before starting to walk off.

  Toward Mister Sasayabu─no.

  He braces like he’s expecting Nadeko to put her hands on him, but she practically elbows him out of her way to head further inside the building.

  “Wh-Where are you going…Sengoku?”

  “Hmmmm?!” Nadeko answers his bewildered question without even bothering to look back. “Where the hell else? I just have to do my job as class president, don’t I─your damn orders! You oughta be happy, dumbass!”

  H-Hold on, wait a second.

  What are you up to, Nadeko?

  While i’m more perplexed than Mister Sasayabu or anyone else, i don’t see any bewilderment when i notice Nadeko reflected in a mirror she passes by, just aggravation─and i stomp straight toward Nadeko’s classroom.

  Year 2, Class 2’s.

  A class that’s fallen apart and is free of problems.

  Every bit of Nadeko’s will now tries to halt her feet, her body, but they show no signs of stopping whatsoever─it really feels like i’m a puppet.

  A marionette.

  But in that case, who’s manipulating Nadeko now? And is it her body or her mind that’s being manipulated?

  As soon as Nadeko climbs the stairs and arrives in front of her classroom, she peeks inside through the small window on its door.

  It’s an oddly discreet thing to do, given all her rough words and actions─almost all of her classmates are gathered there.

  Is that what she’s checking to see?

  But what Nadeko does next is what really surprises Nadeko… i know this all sounds confusing, but please understand. i apologize, but Nadeko isn’t in a psychological state where she can give a proper explanation. She’s not in a physical state to, either─and Nadeko kicks the door.

  Kicks it down. Kicks it down?

  “!!”

  To describe the kick, it’s similar to a technique Karen often uses, a bold, brash, and fearless rolling savate with her legs wide open─the single strike, carrying all her weight, blows the sliding door off its rails and into the class.

  Nadeko’s body should have close to zero athletic ability. i never imagined it held this much energy─the door slams straight into the teacher’s desk and makes a loud noise.

  All the students in class turn to look─first at the teacher’s desk and the smashed door, then at Nadeko Sengoku as she swaggers in.

  Nadeko feels like she’s pale and mortified, but there must be rage on her face. The imbalance is confusing.

  On the other hand, i’ve figured out something.

  Why Nadeko peeked into the classroom before entering─well, before kicking down the door.

  She was checking to see that no students were near the door─in other words, she was making sure no fragments from it would hit anyone when she kicked it down.

  This, at the very least, is a relief.

  Because while she might seem hotblooded and furious, her actions are calculated and coolheaded─therefore, she might not actually do anything too crazy.

  Thank goodness.

  Nadeko did just say some awful, abusive things to her homeroom teacher and her old classmate, but apparently she still has some consideration left for her fellow students.

  Sure, her grand entry might have been excessive, but at this rate, maybe she won’t say anything too awful to everyone.

  Nadeko strides toward the teacher’s desk.

  And then she faces her class.

  “Listen up, you maggots!”

  i expected wrong.

  This isn’t even verbal abuse. i don’t want to have to categorize it as language. What kind of a greeting is that?

  Everyone in class is staring.

  The first thing their eyes ask is, “Who the hell is that?”… Of course, it doesn’t take long for them to “dissern” that Nadeko is Nadeko. Really, it’s just that her bangs are gone…so it can’t be too hard to figure out after a close look.

  Also, Nadeko’s voice is still the same.

  No matter how rough─it may sound now.

  “C’mon, you maggots! Speak up!”

  Please stop…

  Stop… Free Nadeko…

  If Nadeko could move her hands the way she wanted, the first thing she would do is put her head in them, not use them to cover her face─but what she does in reality is to slam them on the teacher’s desk.

  There’s so much force that i think the desk might break too─it doesn’t, of course, but i do feel like i took a few years off of its life-span.

  No one tries to speak up, of course.

  They’re staring blankly.

  “Listen up, all of you. You need to face reality!”

  Nadeko doesn’t care─and screams at them.

  Yes, it can only be described as a scream. Of anger, piercing─uncontrollable.

  “Look at you, letting your precious youth rot away mired in what’s already said and done─do you have any idea just how much of a waste that is?! It’s totally normal that you can’t trust anyone around you, so stop acting butt-hurt about it! You’re way too sensitive─hmmmm?!”

  i pile it on─beating the teacher’s desk again and again as hard as i can.

  Like it’s Nadeko’s sworn enemy.

  Like it symbolizes everyone in the room now.

  Nadeko beats the teacher’s desk─the class.

  “Are you only able to make friends with cute and pretty and beautiful people?! Are you only able to like people who already like you back?! If you only want to be around saints, you’d better be ready to be alone for your entire life! If someone you consider a friend gets jealous of you, are you gonna stop being their friend?! Are you gonna cut them out of your life if they lie to you?! Is it goodbye if they do something unforgivable to you?! People think all kinds of things all the time, it’s what they do─but are all of you a bunch of massive idiots who don’t have a single thought going through your heads?! This is going to go on forever unless you figure out how to cope with it! Are you really gonna be happy that you spent your second year of middle school this way?! Maybe you’re thinking that if you ride this out until April you’ll be in a new class then, but I’m sorry to tell you that memories are forever! You’re going to remember it forever, when you’re in high school, when you’re in college, when you become adults, even when you start working! You’re never gonna be able to forget this absolutely inconceivable middle school class! It’ll probably be your most powerful memory! So you need to repaint it, you need to rewrite it, what you need to remember is that no one trusted each other in class for a while because of some strange charms, but that everyone made up in the end!”

  Everyone is stunned silent─as they inch backwards.

  Part of i
t is obviously that they don’t know how to respond to Nadeko’s unusual behavior. They can’t react consciously, but their bodies are moving on their own to distance themselves from Nadeko.

  Of course they are.

  Nadeko would be the same way.

  If a girl i don’t know very well in class who barely ever talks suddenly showed up at school one day spouting all of this nonsense─nonsense?

  Suddenly? Is that right?

  It somehow feels wrong.

  i mean─ever since Nadeko became class president─she’s been thinking the things she just said the whole time.

  Mister Sasayabu didn’t have to tell her.

  …She just never did anything.

  She didn’t do anything, even when he told her.

  She didn’t bother doing a thing.

  Because─well.

  It’d be such a pain.

  And it would just be so tiring─

  “I’d like to tell all of you to go off and die, but I don’t even need to bother saying that since you’re all as good as dead. Do you understand that, hmmmm? God, I can’t believe it─especially the way you took advantage of how well-behaved I am to stick me with a role like class president. Talk about digging your own grave! It’s times like this when one of you needs to step up and take charge! What the hell do you think I can do?!”

  i can’t believe just how defiant i’m acting.

  You could say i’m letting it all hang out.

  But i’m exactly right.

  Making Nadeko class president could only make things worse─Nadeko-like.

  A girl who doesn’t do a thing.

  Who wants to stay a victim.

  “You know what, you really are the worst! A bunch of two-faced hypocrites! You get jealous of your friends, turn on the people you like without a second thought, gossip about everyone you hate, and yet suck up and fawn over them, slap on a fake smile so you never have to confront anyone, and stab them in the back once they believe you! You are the scum of the world! The lowest, most base creatures on Earth! But─”

  But there was also something real somewhere in there!

  Even those lies might have been real, right?!

  Nadeko says─screaming.

  No, maybe it’s the one thing that she didn’t scream.

  It wasn’t a scream. There was no anger.

  It may have been a cry.

  Nadeko crying out─from her heart.

  It might have been a prayer.

  “What’s the big problem, just go ahead and forgive each other already! Sure, you all hurt each other, but it was only feelings that ended up getting hurt, right? It’s not like anyone died! You’ll actually end up looking pretty cool if you can forgive each other here!”

  With that, like she can’t take it any longer─Nadeko even kicks the teacher’s desk.

  This too, probably─she does after ensuring that everyone got away from it.

  “All you liars, traitors, and frauds! Come on and grow hearts big enough to forgive hypocrisy─hmmmm?! Since when did any of you get so important that you’re able to pick and choose the people around you? You think you can base your social circles on your likes and dislikes?!”

  And then─Nadeko says one last thing.

  She cries out, “I hate every single one of you! But goddammit, you’re my classmates!”

  019

  i leave school early. Yes indeed.

  While you might say that it’s too late to leave early, i can’t stand being there any longer and run out.

  i’m still in my school slippers, but it doesn’t bother Nadeko.

  i don’t even have the energy to cover my face.

  i’m walking absentmindedly.

  Even more absentmindedly than on the way to school.

  Thinking back on it now, what a great time i had heading to school.

  The happiest i’ve ever been.

  Yes, on a stairway to heaven.

  What was Nadeko even worried about back then?

  “Hey, Nadeko,” i hear from Nadeko’s right wrist.

  It’s Mister Serpent.

  Ah, Mister Serpent. How long has it been? So he’s still here.

  “You okay? You seem exhausted. Aren’t you on one of those roads for cars right now and not a sidewalk?”

  “What? Did you call Nadeko’s name?” i ask, still dazed.

  Nadeko’s eyes are spinning, but of course she can at least give an answer.

  Nadeko’s got it together, you see.

  “What could you possibly want from someone whose life is over?”

  “Come on… You know your life isn’t over… But your eyes are scaring me. They’re way too empty. Like caverns or something. I thought you might not have anything there for a second. I’d crawl into those holes if I was a snake.”

  “Urr…”

  Nadeko’s shoulders slump.

  i mean, i feel like everything is slumping, not just her shoulders. In fact, it feels like Nadeko herself has gone as low as she can go.

  The self-image that she built for all these years is ruined…all crumbled away.

  “It’s not like you wanted to build that image, right? I don’t get why you’re feeling so down.”

  “Heheheheh.”

  “Agh! What’re you laughing about?”

  “…”

  Nadeko has to laugh.

  What i really want to do is weep, but when things get too painful, you can’t even shed tears.

  “N-Nadeko…can forget about wedding dresses now.”

  “Why would you say that?”

  “Correction… Can forget about school uniforms now.”

  Still, i do follow Mister Serpent’s advice and get back on the sidewalk, modifying the course that at some point led Nadeko into the street.

  People might even think it was suicide if i got hit by a car.

  Nadeko is surprised at how “gluttenous” she is, though, the way she still tries to stay alive.

  “i-i’m not going back to school… Nadeko’s going to become a shut-in starting tomorrow…”

  “What’s the matter? It felt great to blow up on everyone! That creepy teacher of yours, your classmates, you shut them all up!”

  “Th…That’s… Everyone was…just shocked… Shocked at how ridiculous Nadeko was.”

  Reminded of it by Mister Serpent, Nadeko thinks back to what happened and the way everyone looked, and a headache even more intense than her dizziness assaults her.

  “Everyone was looking at Nadeko like she was trying and failing to sound cool. They were all just feeling super awkward…”

  “Trying and failing to sound cool…”

  “There’s no worse way to fail… By the end they weren’t even looking at Nadeko like she’s a pitiful girl. i was a painful girl, someone not even worth pitying…”

  Really painful. Super painful.

  Marquis de Sadeko.

  “Trust me, it’s fine. It’s not that bad.”

  “It is… And the fact that no one is coming after Nadeko is proof…”

  “Do you want someone to come after you?”

  “No, but…”

  “So what do you want?”

  i’m on unstable footing, emotionally and in every other way.

  i don’t know where i’m headed─no, really, where is Nadeko walking to right now?

  Her body is back to doing what she tells it, but…Nadeko isn’t in any place to tell it anything.

  “Actually, dear. I’m sure you already know, but just to be sure.” The Serpent sounds fed up with Nadeko, like he, too, is shocked by how ridiculous she is. “I wasn’t controlling your body back there to go around and say whatever I felt like, you know─I don’t want you getting the wrong idea.”

  “…”

  “I guess the effects of merging with me simply showed up in a very pronounced way─the shackles you normally have on yourself were removed. There was nothing unusual about it. Your usual thoughts and feelings just came pouring out of you in a normal way─”
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