Nisenmonogatari Part 1 Page 3

  “Well, asking you to open your mouth and say ‘ahh’ was kind of embarrassing.”

  “So you just shove it in my mouth? Khak! Th-There’s rice stuck in my throat. W-Water! Water! Quick, the whole bottle!”

  “Wha… No. It’d be like we were kissing indirectly.”

  “You’re feeling shy about that after making me slobber all over your fingers?!”

  Senjogahara did supply me with water, but it was by cramming the bottle into my mouth. While the grains of rice stuck in my throat got washed down, it also felt like I was about to drown─a unique experience on dry land.

  “Uh oh. Look at the mess you made,” Senjogahara deadpanned. “You’re a bad little boy.”

  I didn’t know if “acid tongue” was the right term anymore. If Japan ever lost its freedom of speech, the first one to be locked up would almost certainly be her.

  “If you don’t mind,” she announced, “I’m going to take my meal too… Today I only had the time to bring convenience-store fare, but don’t worry. Tomorrow it’ll be a proper, homemade lunch.”

  “……”

  “What? You have a problem with my cooking? I’ve been getting pretty good lately, if I do say so myself.”

  No, my problem was with the fact that my confinement seemed to involve long-term planning. I’d been playing along so far figuring it was some sort of game, but I had no idea what her goal was.

  Hmm? Ah, of course…

  She’d told me, hadn’t she?

  ─Relax.

  ─I’m going to protect you.

  To…protect me. I had a feeling she was being serious. If she was really trying to protect me, I shouldn’t be dismissive.

  Though maybe that was less kind than spoiling.

  Probably because I’d been struck on the back of my head, my memory was fuzzy─but it was all starting to come back.

  Protect─what she meant by the word.

  How this situation had come to pass.

  “I have to say, Senjogahara, you’ve got some skills up your sleeve, knocking me out with a single blow to the back of the head. According to my sister, it’s a lot harder to knock someone out than you’d think.”

  “What single blow?”

  “O-Oh?”

  “You refused to pass out. It took me twenty tries.”

  “You could have killed me!”

  Unbelievable.

  Well… Speaking of unbelievable, there was something else I had to ask her.

  Honestly, I’m not sure I wanted to know. But I didn’t have much of a choice.

  “Senjogahara… You said you’d make lunch next time, and I’m grateful, I really am. But while I’m here, how am I supposed to, you know…do my business?”

  I lobbed─the mortifying question.

  But as cool as a cucumber, without so much as raising an eyebrow, as if she had thought of everything, Senjogahara reached into the plastic bag and pulled out an adult diaper.

  “M-Miss ’Gahara? You’re kidding, right? Is that, like, a joke item? As always, what an edgy sense of humor.”

  “Relax, I’m prepared to do anything for your sake, even change diapers.” Her face was expressionless as she spoke. “Don’t you know? I love you, Araragi. So much that even if you were covered in filth from head to toe, I’d embrace you without a moment’s hesitation. Starting with respiration and ending with excretion, I’ll control every nook and cranny of your body, including your brain.”

  ……

  Oh, the weight of love!

  003

  Let me try to piece together the course of events leading up to this lamentable imprisonment. Indeed, to get it all straight─I should probably start from around the morning of July twenty-ninth.

  Although it was summer vacation, I was determined to shrug off the mantle of loser and take college entrance exams, so there was no time to dally. Senjogahara, who had some of the best grades in our year, and Hanekawa, who had the very best, switched off each day to tutor me. It was hard work for me, studying every day, but if I stopped to think about it, I couldn’t have asked for a better arrangement.

  With those two as your tutors, anyone would improve. They turned out to be a choice combo of carrot and stick.

  Or should I say honey and whip?

  On even days I was taught by Senjogahara, and on odd days, by Hanekawa (with Sundays unconditionally off), but of course they also had their own plans, in which case those took precedence. That included July twenty-ninth, one of Hanekawa’s days, when she told me, “Araragi, I’m so sorry! There’s something I can’t get out of! I promise, we’ll make up next time! The day after tomorrow, to be precise!”

  And so I wound up free.

  Since I was the one asking for private tutoring, there was no reason for her to be so apologetic… As usual, Hanekawa was just too nice for her own good.

  I assumed the thing she couldn’t get out of had something to do, once again, with her parents. It wasn’t my place to stick my nose in, so I didn’t ask too many questions. I’d do anything for Hanekawa’s sake, but “anything” sometimes had to mean “nothing at all,” depending on the situation.

  Well. In short, I had nothing to do that day.

  Obviously I could have studied on my own, but according to Hanekawa, it was important to take time off now and then─Senjogahara never dispensed remotely similar advice, but on these matters, I tended to heed Hanekawa‘s.

  And who could blame me?

  Two days off in a row!

  I say that, but I already had something planned for Sunday. Thinking I might take a long-overdue trip to the bookstore, I reviewed some stuff anyway before heading down to the living room. My parents had already left (they both work, even on Saturdays), and Tsukihi, dressed in a yukata, was sprawled out on her back on the couch and watching TV with her head upside down. Given her attire and posture, she might as well have been naked, her chest a disaster area, but she didn’t seem to care. Not that I was one to talk about appearances, and as long as she dressed properly outside, it was no big deal.

  “Ah. You’re done studying?” Tsukihi switched off the TV (she seemed not to have been watching out of any interest) and turned toward me. The drooping curve of her eyes made her look drowsy, but considering the hour, that seemed unlikely. “Your home tutor took today off, huh?”

  “Yup.”

  Actually, on Senjogahara’s days I went to her house, and on Hanekawa’s days we went to the library, so “home tutor” wasn’t accurate.

  Going to a cram school or taking exam-prep courses had been an option, but sadly, my parents weren’t persuaded. Let’s just say that my behavior until then had taken its toll. I had a lot of catching up to do.

  “Am I going to have to study for college entrance exams too?” my sister wondered out loud. “Ugh.”

  “Right, you guys don’t have to take any for high school.”

  The blessings of an integrated secondary school─both of my sisters had passed their junior-high entrance exams without even studying… How so clever of them.

  “It won’t be for a while yet, even if you decide to,” I reminded Tsukihi. “Isn’t it a little early for you to be thinking about that?”

  “Yeah, I suppose, but seeing you get so serious all of a sudden has me worried.”

  “My sincere apologies… Hey, where’s what’s-her-face?”

  “What’s-her-face?”

  “The bigger sister.”

  “Karen’s out.”

  “That’s weird.”

  What was weird wasn’t that Karen was out, but rather Tsukihi lying around on the couch at home when Karen had left─the Fire Sisters usually operated as a team. And anytime they worked separately, chances were it was because they were up to no good.

  “You two better not be stirring up trouble.”

  “We’re not stirring up anything, thank you very much,” Tsukihi said. “You’re always like that─treating me and Karen like we’re kids. You worry too much.”

  “I’m not worried.
I just don’t trust you, that’s all.”

  “Isn’t that the same thing?”

  “No, one’s worry and one’s trust. There’s a pretty clear difference between the two.”

  “That’s just mincing wor─phew…”

  “At least finish your sentence!”

  What a stupid exchange. Then again, if it was so stupid, why bother finishing a sentence? Back to the topic at hand.

  “So,” I asked, “where did the bigger sister go?”

  “Like I told you, she’s not getting up to trouble. In fact, she’s clearing up some trouble.”

  “That’s what I mean by trouble.”

  “Really?”

  “Just tell me what happened, before the trouble turns into trauma. Confess and wear the badge of traitor with honor. Whatever’s happened, it may still be early enough to do something about it.”

  “Gross. Don’t go around sticking your nose into middle-school fights, it’s lame. Fighting, I’ll have you know, is a very important form of communication. There are far too many people who don’t know how to fight constructively these days, don’t you think?”

  “Well, when you put it that way, it almost sounds right─”

  “The problem isn’t in fighting. It’s in not knowing the right way to fight,” Tsukihi got carried away and started to sound full of herself. She looked smug.

  “You say that, but when you two get in a fight, it’s nearly always accompanied by violence. I don’t see how you can call that the right way…”

  “An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.”

  “That’s B.C. thinking. You know it’s the twentieth century?”

  Okay, the twenty-first, actually.

  “In that case,” Tsukihi countered, “how about a tooth for an eye, and blunt-force trauma for a tooth?”

  “You’d triple it?!”

  “Oh, shut up!” she exploded in a sudden fit of temper.

  The smug look from just moments before was nowhere to be seen.

  “Just leave me alone! I don’t know anything! Whether it’s bigger or little or middle!”

  “Since when are there three of you…”

  Tsk, this is what I meant when I said they weren’t worth worrying about.

  At any rate, motivated by other people’s troubles and concerns as the Fire Sisters were, they weren’t keen to spill the details of whatever they had on their plate at the moment. And I wasn’t about to wade into some complete stranger’s privacy.

  I guess it didn’t really matter. They’d probably come talk to me when things got to be too much for them to handle. Just so long as it didn’t involve another kidnapping rigmarole.

  I muttered, “Seriously, though…I’m not going to tell you to grow up, but maybe grow a little quieter.”

  “You’re one to talk!”

  Tsukihi grabbed the remote control by her side and threw it at me. Cripes. Was she crazy? I couldn’t just dodge it, so I caught it somehow and set it back down on the table.

  All things considered, I suppose growing “quieter” was the taller order. Growing up is just part of getting older.

  Being as quiet as, say, Sengoku is a problem in its own right.

  If Karen and Tsukihi could be about a tenth as quiet as Sengoku, and Sengoku could be about a tenth as active as Karen and Tsukihi, then everything would be just right.

  Unfortunately, life isn’t that easy. You can’t just divide and multiply people that way.

  “Ah, right…Sengoku,” I came up with what I should do today. Or rather, remembered.

  Come to think of it, I’d been putting off a promise to go hang out with her. The bookstore could wait.

  Nadeko Sengoku.

  She was actually one of Tsukihi’s classmates from back in elementary school. One of the friends my sister invited over to our house to play─at the time I shared a room with Tsukihi (and Karen), so Sengoku became an acquaintance of mine as well, even though we were in different grades. I stopped seeing her after Tsukihi entered a private middle school, but the other day I ran into Sengoku again under unexpected circumstances.

  Very unexpected.

  Namely, aberration-related.

  Anyways, after we cleared up her problem, Sengoku came over one day to hang out. That was thanks to my good offices: I figured bringing her and Tsukihi together again would be cool.

  As Karen and Tsukihi’s brother, I find their characters highly dubious, but kids their own age seem to dig the same traits and flock to them, of all things─I don’t know if “personable” is the word I want, but they possess some mystery charisma skill that I’m failing to appreciate. In any case, it did the trick with an old elementary school friend whom Tsukihi hadn’t seen in a long time, and she and Sengoku were soon playing together like they used to.

  On her way out, our guest had said, “Come over to Nadeko’s place next time to hang out,” and I’d nodded yes.

  That was a good while ago, in fact. Not that I’d forgotten, but a lot happened in the meantime, and I also started getting serious about studying for my entrance exams.

  Maybe it was cold of me.

  Now seemed like as good a time as any, though. I decided to give Sengoku a call.

  Like most junior high schoolers out in the country, she didn’t own a cell phone, so I had to ring her at home. I pulled my device, which had the number saved, from my pocket.

  I’d received but not made a call to her in some time. It was still before noon, but since this was Sengoku, she’d already be up.

  “H…Hewwo?! Sengoku rezdensh!”

  I’d expected her parents to come to their home phone, but it was Sengoku who picked up. Except she was lisping like she was Hachikuji.

  Hmm? Had I woken her up? I hadn’t seen that coming.

  Sengoku didn’t seem like the type to sleep in all morning just because it was summer vacation.

  “Big Brother Koyomi, long time no hear… What’s wrong?”

  She spoke clearly this time. Huh, but I hadn’t said anything yet. How did she─ah, of course, you didn’t need a cell phone to have caller ID these days.

  “Sorry to bother you out of the blue like this,” I said, “but remember when we talked about hanging out at your place? I was thinking, what about today?”

  “Wh-Whaaat?!”

  She sounded surprised. Way too surprised.

  Odd, I could have sworn we had a promise.

  Maybe she’d forgotten.

  “Is this too sudden? If today’s no good─”

  “Y-Yes! Today, today, today! I’m busy almost every day but today!”

  I couldn’t remember Sengoku ever being so adamant. I didn’t know she could holler like that, either. “I see. If you’re that busy, then I guess it’s got to be today… Can I head over right now?”

  “Yes! Almost any time other than right now is no good!”

  Geez. Talk about a murderous schedule.

  Middle schoolers these days had it tough… I wish my sisters would take a hint instead of squandering their precious youth running around playing defenders of justice. More than just a tenth, too.

  “I’ll be there soon,” I said, hanging up.

  Then I looked over at Tsukihi.

  She’d switched the TV back on and tuned in to a morning talk show (Saturday edition) to catch the latest celebrity gossip, this time with seeming interest. She liked to pretend she was above that stuff, but she was basically a fangirl. I wish she’d use her charisma skill on me, too.

  “All right, you heard me,” I said.

  “Huh? Come again?”

  “Weren’t you listening?”

  “Am I being scolded for not eavesdropping on people’s calls?”

  “Ahh…” She had a point. “I was just on the phone with Sengoku.”

  “And you’re heading over to Sen’s, yeah?”

  “So you were listening.”

  “Have fun.” Tsukihi waved half-heartedly, not even looking up as she spoke. “I’ll mind the fort.”

  “Not
so fast. You’re coming along.”

  “Excuse me?” Tsukihi turned around like she was surprised.

  “If I’m going to Sengoku’s house, obviously you’re coming with me.”

  “From what I did hear, I figured you’d be going by yourself. Besides, I’m pretty sure that’s what Sen is expecting.”